Back!

My last post was about a guy  in my class. I completely forgot about him! I don't even remember his face or his name now.Funny what time does.

I haven't read much this year. I haven't watched that many movies either. I'm watching TV shows though. A lot of them. More than once. For no reason. I have also discovered the delights of YouTube. A little late, I know.

I must be getting old. Lately, there is this constant fear in my head that my days have mysteriously sped up. I think I have only 12 hours a day. I really think all the clocks around me are running twice as fast. Seriously. I'm always saying "I wish there was more time" (No, I'm not dying!!) It's just that there are a lot of things I want to do and there isn't enough time! Somehow I am only able to manage one thing a day. If I start reading a book then that is all for that day. Sometimes it's an episode (or a season) of a sitcom, sometimes a doodle or sometimes there is nothing substantial done on that day. My days are rolling by and I seem to have no control over it whatsoever. I am just waiting for that one day that would outshine this dank, dark and confused phase of my life and that none of this would matter in retrospect. Waiting.

On a happier note, I have started drawing again and it feels sooooo good! No, I don't have a lot of suppressed emotion that needs to be expressed right away or anything, I needed to pick up a pencil and start sketching just to prove to myself that I still can. I'm not very good at it but it is one of the things I loved as a kid and still do. As a hobby, it is much more gratifying than say, watching a movie. I WILL rave more about this in another post.

Future

"...dreaming about future..." is a phrase that we get to hear often. Maybe I'm so pessimistic that I have never understood how those two words - dream and future - could get along. To me, future has always, always been scary. Never, not once was my future looked beautiful to me. Even when I was all lovey-dovey! I mean when you are in love, they say, that future would be a rosy dream and blah blah. Nope! Not for me. When in school, I was worried about staying away from home. After intermediate, I was worried about college. After college I was worried about living in the real world.

I should tell here that I'm not a worrying person. In fact, I hardly worry at all! I'm most of the time...rather emotionless. I seldom plan anything. There are a few times I don't have a choice but to think about future and that's when I get all worked up and finally end up being depressed for the rest of the day.

Now I stand here. Future is still as scary as it always was. It always felt the same. The same stomach tightening, increased pulse-rate, dried mouth and loss of speech. The same when I first went to school (yes, I very clearly remember that day) and the same today when I'm making bigger decisions. Everything is still as scary. As it always is when it bears the tag "in the future".

I just want things to be the way they are. But they always change. I'm happy as I am right now. I do not want a new person in my life. I have always been obedient all my life. I do not wish to spend the future the same way. I do not want to have to explain the stuff I do. To anyone. Anymore. I have never had expectations, but I'm very sure future would disappoint me. I don't want to start yet another family in this country. The country has enough families to last for three human lifetimes. Family is a tradition, an obligation. Sometimes families are forced. When you see a person, you see not the person he/she is, but a carefully designed personality that reflects so many people. I do not want to be that person who is lost among the wishes and conventions of others. At least now on. I certainly do not want to be one of those people who make the conventions and effect someone else's life.

People - we - pride in ourselves for our rich cultural heritage. The rich cultural heritage has brought with it a strong lineage of bondage; bondages we aren't allowed to complain of; bondages we should accept as "the way of life" and suffer silently and get used to it. It has programmed us to develop a false sense of security within these bonds we created around us and to be oblivious to how rotten the world around us is becoming. It has gifted us with peace, harmony and brotherliness, along with more dangerous byproducts - lack of integrity, individuality.