Future

"...dreaming about future..." is a phrase that we get to hear often. Maybe I'm so pessimistic that I have never understood how those two words - dream and future - could get along. To me, future has always, always been scary. Never, not once was my future looked beautiful to me. Even when I was all lovey-dovey! I mean when you are in love, they say, that future would be a rosy dream and blah blah. Nope! Not for me. When in school, I was worried about staying away from home. After intermediate, I was worried about college. After college I was worried about living in the real world.

I should tell here that I'm not a worrying person. In fact, I hardly worry at all! I'm most of the time...rather emotionless. I seldom plan anything. There are a few times I don't have a choice but to think about future and that's when I get all worked up and finally end up being depressed for the rest of the day.

Now I stand here. Future is still as scary as it always was. It always felt the same. The same stomach tightening, increased pulse-rate, dried mouth and loss of speech. The same when I first went to school (yes, I very clearly remember that day) and the same today when I'm making bigger decisions. Everything is still as scary. As it always is when it bears the tag "in the future".

I just want things to be the way they are. But they always change. I'm happy as I am right now. I do not want a new person in my life. I have always been obedient all my life. I do not wish to spend the future the same way. I do not want to have to explain the stuff I do. To anyone. Anymore. I have never had expectations, but I'm very sure future would disappoint me. I don't want to start yet another family in this country. The country has enough families to last for three human lifetimes. Family is a tradition, an obligation. Sometimes families are forced. When you see a person, you see not the person he/she is, but a carefully designed personality that reflects so many people. I do not want to be that person who is lost among the wishes and conventions of others. At least now on. I certainly do not want to be one of those people who make the conventions and effect someone else's life.

People - we - pride in ourselves for our rich cultural heritage. The rich cultural heritage has brought with it a strong lineage of bondage; bondages we aren't allowed to complain of; bondages we should accept as "the way of life" and suffer silently and get used to it. It has programmed us to develop a false sense of security within these bonds we created around us and to be oblivious to how rotten the world around us is becoming. It has gifted us with peace, harmony and brotherliness, along with more dangerous byproducts - lack of integrity, individuality.

Still in teens eh?

An abstract from Rabindranath Tagore's short story.

"In this world of human affairs there is no worse nuisance than a boy at the age of fourteen. He is neither ornamental, nor useful. It is impossible to shower affection on him as on a little boy; and he is always getting in the way. If he talks with a childish lisp he is called a baby, and if he answers in a grown-up way he is called impertinent. In fact any talk at all from him is resented. Then he is at the unattractive, growing age. He grows out of his clothes with indecent haste; his voice grows hoarse and breaks and quavers; his face grows suddenly angular and unsightly. It is easy to excuse the shortcomings of early childhood, but it is hard to tolerate even unavoidable lapses in a boy of fourteen. The lad himself becomes painfully self-conscious. When he talks with elderly people he is either unduly forward, or else so unduly shy that he appears ashamed of his very existence."

When I first read this story, I probably must have skimmed through this paragraph. Because the second time I read it, it made me realise so many things. Writers should either be very wise and knowledgeable, have enormous experience with life or at least should have done abundant research before they hold a pen and start writing. This piece of writing could easily be from a medical or a psychology book if you ignore the fact that it is so tastefully written!

And it made me realise, yet again, that boys of fourteen are really unbearable. When you come across some magazine article or news story about boys (even girls) of this age, you'll feel sorry that you haven't been patient enough or you should have been more understanding, etc. But try however hard, these kids are real pain. Then again, these are kids. They will be like that for umpteen reasons. Hormones kicking in for starters! 

But there are grown-ups who behave like them.! No, not the "childish" ones, the ones whose growth stuck at fourteen. Mean, selfish, being too self-conscious (not in a good way), craving for attention, berating the little attention they get, would be a few of the salient features. Everyone has a slight streak of this kind hidden somewhere, but in some it isn't too subtle.

Needless to say, I have come across one too many of this type. Really cranky idiots. They make me cranky and I always feel like leaving the moment they start talking. There is also an absurd thing about them. They are ferocious attention-seekers and you can't really get them off your back. Slowly they start growing on you and at some point you'll feel like their parent! Parent as in putting up with all the crap they do, telling excuses to others when they are impertinent, all the time pointlessly reassuring them over absolutely pointless issues while cursing yourself for continuing a conversation that is even more pointless, checking on them if they did okay at some important social gathering (previously you would have lectured on how not to behave at such occasions), and regretting later when you snap back at them. 

You meet all kinds of people in life. You stick with some. They start getting dear to you over time. As they grow closer, you will have to get used to so many pleasant and most of the time unpleasant surprises. That is how you grow, learning to deal with every silly aspect. 

And you'll love them no matter what! :-)

P.S: Started somewhere, ended somewhere else! I hate it when I say cheesy lines, but I AM feeling like......  little too cheesy :-D

Jealous!

Sooo jealous!

Of everything that is going on around me. The phrase they use in Tamil when someone's jealous is something like "vair eriyuda" meaning "is your stomach burning (with jealousy)". My stomach IS burning..with jealousy! Right now I hate everyone I'm jealous of... Starting from D, to R, and H and even that Ambani guy! Did you see that house he has built? How can anyone be not jealous? It's awesome...! Modern yet homey and it has everything..... EVERYTHING!

That's not the point. I'm stuck in a place right now. Almost literally stuck. Can't move anywhere from where I am, both literally and figuratively ((ha ha...Ted Mosby!!)) And hence all the jealousy.

I'm not very ambitious. I was never ambitious. Life always passed by me and still I had a pretty great life, so to speak. I'm almost always calm. Moroses are calm too. So that calm. I don't have very severe emotions so I never craved for anything. I'm dreamy and I love dreaming like all the time. 

But NOW, as this realisation just hit me that I'm getting older by day, I want to be all those things that once appealed to me, however lightly! 

I want a home of my own.

I want a big, biiig library in that house, which has huge collection of books.

I want a huge collection of books. NOW!

I want a lot of people around me whenever I want.

I want them to go away whenever I want.

I want to drive. Carefully. 

I want a car that NEVER hits anything except the road.

I want to a job that is interesting, has a good boss, NOT tiresome, and pays good. Maybe in five digits. p.m :)

I want that job to let me go onsite whenever I want; It should be okay with me if I don't want to go too.

....

Whenever I'm making a list like this, I have more "I want"s target at my job. Why are jobs so damn important? Why can't do things that make us happy, that are good for us? Why can't we not be so cynical all the time? So cynical that we judge people by their jobs! Why can't we just let others be? .......................Urgh! Hhere starts my "why" list but the biggest question on my head is this...WHY AM I THE ONE WHO IS JEALOUS RIGHT NOW? If anything you should be jealous of me! Aaaaaaaaargh!

I feel like someone punched me in my stomach!

I only wish that I should be okay in a while. Okay being back to normal. Okay being ignorant of everything else in the world, and being only aware of me and my dreamy state. 

Because even if all my silly wishes are granted right now, I don't think I can handle it. I don't think I'd want them even!

Anyway, hoping I'll feel better. Going to start some movie I think.

Behind the scene....

rubbish boyfriends

I bought this book because I simply loved it's title and the cover-image.

A bigger reason why this book caught my eye. This one guy I knew suggested a few books. He used to bug me everyday asking if I had read them yet. Got so pissed off, I went out on a weekend to those second hand book stands (thank you god you did not make me buy new ones!) and bought them. Those were some of the worst books I've ever read. I'm not biased towards any particular genre of literature, or even music/movies come to think of that, but these stupid books made me realise the importance of the classification - good and bad! One ridiculous sci-fi, one hijack story that was 800 pages long, one obnoxiously gooey romantic, and one that I don't remember. Later, I found out that these were the only books he read, so he made read them too. Also, that this was his way of flirting. Stupid $#%#$%#!!! 

Sometime later, I was at a mall and saw this book in a dusty corner. Took it instantly. And guess who I "rubbished" then on? Clarification -- He was NOT my boyfriend, not even a friend. Someone I knew. Anyway, lesson learnt - You don't have to take every idiot seriously.

The book was okay. Nothing spectacular; a chick lit. Funny and close to reality. I won't read this book again unless I'm awfully bored and I'm left with no choice. But I'll always be fond of this err... souvenir of a silly experience.

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Tales of Beedle the Bard

I read Harry Potter all the time. Sometime back, I was so busy it was all eat-sleep-work for almost three tiresome months. When I finally caught a break, went shopping the first thing and I saw this in the stores. I almost cried. I said almost! (I should probably mention that I'm a spendthrift. No, a wastrel!) I bought it, along with some other merchandise. This book was released just then, so there were other goodies like parchments and calligraphy pens and I think there were new harry potter games dvds. So I had spent some 1500 rupees and went home happy. In two days I was back to normal, healthy state I started wondering if I had spent too much. It was the end of the month and there was rent and bills and some such nonsense. On that same day, my roomie bought a pirated copy for 50 bucks, including the travelling charges! Long face for the rest of the day and she sure made fun of me that I paid that extra 750 for binding. (Whatever dude! Mine's genuine and it's hardbound, yours isn't!)

I called this friend of mine that evening. This one's too good and so patient. He listens intently when I make a big deal out of nothing at all. I told everything. To make me feel better, he made me read it to him on the phone! I went a bit ahead and described the pictures too!! What a sweet guy! 

Now whenever I see that book, I feel a bit nostalgic. So, I don't read this a lot. Good old days! Ok, not that old days, but I like that line!

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Papillon

Long, long ago we (family) ended up in the waiting hall of a railway station. Heavy rains, train delayed for six hours. To kill time, we - me and dad- went around and there was nothing interesting so bought some magazines and books. Dad was totally content watching people around and he says he can never get bored when there is so much activity going on. I, on the other hand, got really uncomfortable and cross and I become a pain in the a** when I get cranky. I'm a huge fan of Ruskin Bond and this is why I guess; I cannot find the beauty of life the way he does.

So that's how I read this book - Papillon. I was too young to be scared of violence back then but this book scared the hell out of me. Not the violence, the reality in it. I think this was my first serious read. Don't know what made me pick this book but it had changed my perspective of people around me, of life, and of course, of books in general. It was like a wake up call for me to grow out of Tinkle and Famous Five. I'm still growing out of them, but that's a different issue.

I'll always remember the rainy-railway station, the oh-so-crowded waiting hall and the ride back home at three in the morning. I was still reading when I finally went to bed and had a nightmare.

In spite of everything I said, this is one of favourites!

That's enough for now.

I HATE Carrie!

Carrie Bradshaw in SATC!

It might sound bit too defensive, but I used to watch SATC when I really want to let out my frustration. Me and my roomie came up this therapy while we were watching this on TV. Sort of anger management thing. She had a really short fuse and this worked really well for her. She hated Amanda and I hated Carrie. Man, it was fun bitching about them and all the others that made our lives shitty. It worked for her, and for me, well, I didn't "need" therapy but I really hated Carrie.

Now she got transfered and I moved from that place and I hardly get to talk to her. I badly need to bitch and so here I go!

I hated that actress. There are enough number of sarahjessicaparker-looks-like-a-horse jokes out already and I'm not wasting my breath (I'm typing, just an expression!) on that. The one I hate here is Carrie. SATC fans are normally fond of Carrie. I tried so hard to see what they see. I still hated her. Did not like any bit her character. They say that she call pull off all those ridiculous hip hi-fashion clothes. Umm, does she really? Maybe if she was a bit casual, nonchalant I would have given like a 6 but that woman always, always struts! Eurgh! 

She outdid herself when she was having an affair with Big. While she was dating another guy!! The guy, I think his name was David, poor fellow. He didn't do anything! Poor, poor guy! After that, I didn't like Big that much either. 

After quite sometime, Carrie runs into that David guy again. She goes to his place, to beg pardon. And she literally begs for forgiveness. After a while that begging, to me, seemed like begging to take her back. She was actualy begging him to take her back. And guess what? She breaks up with him again!! Oh, you should've seen his face! 

I think I'm done for today. Should save some Carrie-bitching for the next time shouldn't I?

*That guy's name is Eiden, not David.

**This was saved as draft from so long. I don't remember why I was so angry then. Posting it anyway!

Lost...and not found!

I'm one of those people who cannot get rid of old stuff. My room is always crammed and my wardrobe, cupboards always are overflowing with all sorts of junk. It takes me forever to discard old clothes, even if they don't fit me. Reason is simple - there are always memories associated with everything. So, if I throw something away, I'm afraid a little that I might forget all those sweet-sour memories.

Today, I have spent like two hours searching for few of my old books. I had found some old comics, paper clippings and books after a long, sweaty search. Tragic part of the story - I think I lost 4 books and an old comic collection! I have been moving around a lot these days, must have lost them somehow during the shifting. Those stupid movers and packers! This is another bad habit of mine; wherever I go I take almost all of my things. 

Bah! This morning I was so happy. Talked with two of my favourite people, mom brought jalebi and the weather was good - warm and breezy. In the afternoon I started this stupid project and ruined it! Ok, I' don't want to crib now. Wish somehow someone will find those books for me! Waah!!

The thing is I don't think I can buy these books again. Let me list them first -- Harry Potters 1,2,3; "Northern Lights"; Marvel Comics - five, bound together; Indrajal Comics - sets of 3 and 4 comics, bound. Harry Potters are not a problem. Marvel Comics - I think I can find but I'm not that worried about them cos I have a few others. These Indrajal Comics are so damn rare. They were a gift from a family in the past. Luckily, I found them online; ebooks, not the real ones. Glass half-full at least! But that Northern Lights!! I have been reading that since I was little. Yeah, little! I have scribbled all over that book when I was a kid. I thought I might find this one too somewhere on the net. I started Google-ing and it added a little more despair. Apparently, there are so many books with the same name now. I couldn't find the one that I'm looking for. This one is ancient. So ancient, the people in that book were still using thee, thou and thine! It's basically a collection of short stories. The stories of the north. You know, with ice, kayaks, winter, blizzards, minks, elks and sooo much more!

I'm feeling so lost! 

Tomorrow I'll search again. Maybe, I wasn't thorough. Hanging onto that tiny ray of hope! Sigh!!

My beautiful world!

I'm standing on a very tall tower. This tower was a simple, a very tall concrete column with a flat disc-like platform on the top. And I'm standing on it. 

The tower was in the middle of a sea. The waves were thrashing around incessantly at the foot of the tower. The water was icy blue. It seemed to be seething in anger; there were waves everywhere around, frothing. When I looked down, I could see my feet on the edge of the floor, toes peeking out, and the water below me. My heart beat a little faster. I was feeling safe and protected because I'm a hundred feet above the water, on a safe ground. At the same time, I so badly wanted to dive into the refreshing, cool, sparkling water. And I'm only a step away from it!

I'm standing facing the sun. It was a gorgeous sunset. The sun was a beautiful, orange ball of fire. There were wisps of clouds in the distant sky and they were all strands of gold! This combination was casting a magnificent yellow hue on the world. 

As if to complete the picture, there were huge hillocks on either side of the sun. It looked like an open gateway. If not for brilliant yellow glow of the setting sun, these hillocks would have been mossy green. But now they looked a dull ochre. 

And I'm standing there, savouring every little bit of it - the soft breeze on my face and hair, the gentle sound of the roaring waves, the sharp and yet somehow earthy smell of the sea and the feeling of absolute sense of gratification for just being there! I felt powerful; I felt strong. I was so happy, there was a lump in my throat! Complete bliss! I cannot possibly explain why. Hell, I didn't know myself exactly why. I did not want to close my eyes. Not even for a second. My face felt warm, but my fingers were cold. And the air was getting steadily warmer. I tried so hard not to but it was a reflex, and I blinked.....

And I opened my eyes! This morning sun was a bit sunny and someone had opened the curtains near my bed and that woke me up. Urrrgh! I never felt more disappointed to have woken up from a dream! I don't like the idea of me narrating something like this and sound like a soppy romantic, but right now I'm feeling so strongly about this thing so I had to tell! 

By far, this is the strangest and the most beautiful dream I ever had. I was lying on my bed for like ten minutes just thinking about this. I don't know what this dream means, and I sure cannot figure out what brought this on. I had a pretty normal day yesterday. I had spent most of the morning trying to sketch that scene. (Maybe I'll post that sketch sometime soon). 

Maybe I'll read that Sigmund Freud once again t interpret this one.

I'm feeling sleepy already but I sincerely,honestly, earnestly hope that I get the same dream today too!!

Later!

HIMYM: My new addiction!

I was so in love with F.R.I.E.N.D.S before and it was fast becoming an obsession. One of my friends suggested watching “How I Met Your Mother”. I watched one episode on TV and liked it instantly. How can I not? TV sitcoms provide me with everything I could hope for – bunch of people hanging at some nice place, laughter, love, friendship, sentiment and best of all: little or no worries at all! 

I love all the characters in this one, unlike in friends. I don’t like Monica. Whatever reasons. Anyway, in HIMYM, my best character so far is BARNEY! I simply love him. There’s a little bit of everyone of friends in him – 

Joey: womaniser, falls in love with Robin after Ted (Ross); 

Chandler: looks like him a little, scared of commitment, most of the jokes in the show will be his lines, after falling in love the most committed guy there ever was!; 

Phoebe: love for self! AWESOMENESS!!

Monica: “organised”(only a little bit though), a little eccentric; 

Rachel: a little selfish!; 

Ross: takes forever to talk to Robin about how he really feels.

This is like 1% of what Barney really is. More on him later.

On a completely different note: Ted in one of those episodes says ‘I want to get old. You don’t have to worry about “the plan”, because you have done the plan and you are already on the other side!’ I totally agree with that! ‘Maybe we’ll have to spend some time in jail. ....Then maybe I can read, finally write all those short stories I wanted to...’ Don’t remember the lines exactly, but this is pretty much the gist. I totally, totally am with him!! It’s nice to know that some of my weird, abnormal thoughts run through other people’s heads too and that some of these ideas were voiced in a sitcom! Ha ha!!

The thing about TV, movies, books or anything that helps you kill your time, is that you slowly start to “connect” with something or the other in all of those. Because some part of you always wants to escape reality and live in that dreamy, fun place.

Snapping back to reality.

Later!

Pigeons & Crows!

There are so many kinds of people. Right now I'm only focussing on two kinds: The crows and the pigeons.

I have so much free time these days. I spend most of it sitting around and thinking. The other day, I was sitting on the porch, having tea with mom and grandpa. My nephew was with us, playing and eating a biscuit and screaming so loudly, all at the same time. Well, you know how kids are! There were biscuit crumbs all over the porch. In less than 30 seconds, there were crows everywhere. And in another minute, the porch was clean. Clean! Three crows, one minute; not a big deal really. But the thing that was admirable about the scene was that there were three adults, one fully grown (pet) dog and a kid. But these crows still managed to find their way around. Not only did they clean up the place without a trace, they had almost scared the kid to give all his biscuits away, while everyone was watching! 

Upstairs, at my home, there is a corner which is almost desolate; people hardly go there and we only dump old stuff. So, this had become a very safe home for a few pigeons. I don’t their kinds, but there are greys, whites and one very pretty smoky black one. These very handsome, mini-flock of pigeons also happen to be really big scaredy cats. Whenever a person appears within ten feet radius, they take off – leaving their nest, food, baby pigeons too if any, and everything! They eat only when there is no one around. I am pretty sure they sleep with one eye open. I tried once or twice to feed them but I couldn’t cross that ten-feet security line. I never really liked them. They are a little dull; they never leave their nest; all they do is eat, clean themselves and sit around all day! (Yes, that is what I do these days, but I’m not a big fan of me right now either!!) Oh wait, they are good at one thing: breeding! The only things that breed faster than pigeons are rats, rabbits and Indians!! I don’t beg your pardon, it happens to be true! 

If you ask anyone ‘what do you like better – pigeons or crows?’ The answer mostly will be pigeons. Reasons are so apparent – pigeons are prettier, cleaner, far, far less annoying and peace loving! 

Suddenly when this crow incident happened, I felt a little bad for crows. OK, they are not pretty or have a nice voice, but they are the best survivors! They are active, intelligent, dexterous (they never miss a catch! Try and see.), very efficient scavengers, sometimes selfless (they never eat alone; they always call other crows when they find good meal) and like I said, they’d do anything to survive. They can live quite happily in deserts for god’s sake!! Whenever someone shoos away a crow, I can almost hear it saying “I don’t care that you don’t like me, because I live a long, happy life, LOSER!”

People, some people, are like this. The pigeon-type are content, peace loving, move in flocks, tidy, keep to themselves, and never get in your way. The crow-type are never satisfied to the fullest, ambitious, a little annoying, and always get in your way to ultimately win. Crow-people can get through any toughies unscratched – be it a completion, election, business, or even a written exam. The pigeons form the crowd. They are the ones that the crows rule. They are the ones that dream a lot, but are scared to take a step towards it. Because, for pigeons, a bold step is a new path and the new path could be risky and dangerous. Never so for a crow! Crows never sit around dreaming, they are big “doers”. No path is too risky for them. 

Quite often, if you read between the lines of a success story, you can almost always spot very nasty crow. Or that’s how I’d like to think. Because right now, I’m being a big, fat and lazy pigeon. So, I’m bitching about crows being nasty. I don’t want to be a crow, in spite of everything I just said. Maybe, a well-trained racer pigeon? Pigeons might not be successful, but they are quite happy too! And crows... Good for you! But just leave us pigeons alone! Hmph!!

What was my point? Nothing. 

Later.

Message in the Bottle

Been busy.

*Spoiler*

My last book was 'Message in the Bottle' by Nicholas Sparks. I have been really busy, so I couldn't read anything else. So, I settled down for some sweet romantic book. Because reading them is like watching a soap on TV. No need to put extra effort to read. Just sit back, relax and read. Things are always in great detail. Like the colour of the walls, the entire building plan of the beach house, how far the dresser is from the bed, everything. I don't think I'm exaggerating, I'm just being sarcastic. But my sarcasm is so fake. I don't want to admit that I liked this book. But I liked it. There you go. I said it. I liked this book. Why? ONLY because I was caught off guard. I totally forgot that someone always dies in Nicholas Sparks books. Mostly. By the time 'the someone' died I was shocked and saddened and there also might have been a few, very feeeww tears.

Anyway, the book was ok. Like all lovey-dovey stories, everything goes well; no real problems. The biggest problem will be something like phone call delayed for like twenty minutes. The twenty minutes would be stretched to forty pages.

But this book and the silly experience made me realise something. You tend to like a person more when the person dies. Let me put it in a less crude way - You never realise the value of something until it is gone. Also, you (me) will like a book better if someone important in that book dies. Hehe!